Diaries
by Alexandrei Mc Fharlaey
Summary: A diary to confide in...Secrets revealed... *Yaoi*
1. When Darkness Arises

Diaries.  
  
Part 1 – When darkness arises.  
  
Spoilers for the whole game.  
  
No, those wonderful characters do not belong to me. If they did, I would not be there, writing these stuff. I would live in a marvellous villa in St Tropez, admiring the fantastic view...Anyway this is but a dream. So these characters belong to Konami Computer Entertainment Tokyo. I do not make any benefits with my poor stories so please do not bother me!  
  
The story contains some shônen ai.  
  
The hero's name is Lexeï.  
  
The story (if you can call this stuff a story) is quite lame and stupid. ^^;;  
  
I have no beta-reader for this part…Sorry. If you notice mistakes then just tell me. I usually write in french (I am French after all) so there might be a lot.  
  
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Each part stands for a different character: Hero first, then Nanami, then Klaus, Hero again, then Nanami, then Klaus and so on.  
  
Huh? Oh yeah, there will be other parts...How many? How am I suppose to know? What? Because I am the friggin' author? Who told you I was? Oh...It is written on top? Really? So...I am the author...You sure? Why do you say I am stupid?? Because I am really?...Oh...  
  
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July, 29th  
  
  
  
Nanami sometimes has very weird ideas. Today is my birthday and she offered me this diary. She said I was supposed to confide all my most intimate thoughts to it...She added I had to treat it like a person, therefore I will try to do so.  
  
My name is Lexeï, and I am now fifteen years old. My only family is my sister Nanami and she is sixteen. She is quite a strong girl and I know I can always rely on her. She always want to protect me and she worries so much for me...I do not know if I deserve such attention. I mean, I am no one special!  
  
I also have my best friend Jowy. He is two years older than me. He is clever, mature and very good-looking. That is the reason why he is so popular with girls. I must admit I have always envied him somehow. I hope that one day I will be like him...  
  
These two people are the most important for me. I would do anything for them because I love them so much. I do not want to loose them...  
  
Well, and as for you...You are from now on my official diary! As a result I will share my secrets with you and I will also tell you about how life is for me...Okay?  
  
Lexeï.  
  
  
  
August, 10th  
  
Wah! Today I have great news!!! Jowy and I were recruited to join the Unicorn Brigade of Highland army!! I cannot believe it...Nanami is a bit worry (as usual) but she says nothing. However I know she totally disapproves of it...  
  
Well it is late now, I guess I should go to bed.  
  
Good night.  
  
  
  
August, 23rd  
  
It has been a while since I last wrote. I think I should apologize for having neglected you!  
  
Anyway Jowy and I train very hard. He is a pretty good fighter, you know. He is so much better than I will ever be. I really envy him but at the same time I am very proud of being his friend. I wonder what he thinks about me actually. He is always so quiet and reserved. He rarely talks about feelings. But I suppose it is his way to be.  
  
  
  
August, 26th  
  
I do not really want to write but it is the only way I found to enlighten the burden that weighs on my heart... Today was a bad day...I do not know how to explain what I feel...It is so confusing, so disturbing.  
  
This afternoon we were free since there was no training. I thought that I could visit Nanami for a bit. I looked for Jowy as well. I wondered if he would like to go too. As I was leaving, a boy approached me.  
  
His name is Karu. If I remember rightly his parents owns a little shop near Jowy's house. What he said completely stunned me. He wanted a date with me! He went on with how cute I was when I smiled and other things I do not remember. I think I was blushing crimson when I understood what he meant. The problem was that I did not want to go out with him. The strangest idea occured to me: I would rather go out with Jowy. I still do not understand why I thought that. As for Karu he looked angry. According to rumors I have heard, no one had ever refused to go on a date with him. Consequently I was the first to reject him. Then he tried to kiss me! I pushed him away. He called me an idiot and just left me there.  
  
I decided to continue my search for Jowy. When I found him, I was competely petrified. He was kissing someone, he was kissing a boy, he was kissing Karu...the boy who was courting me a few minutes ago. I felt betrayed by Jowy. I could not even speak, so I just walked away. Why I reacted that way, I will never know. The sight of Jowy and Karu together made my blood boil...I had felt horribly jealous...and hurt.  
  
I think I need some fresh air.  
  
  
  
September, 15th  
  
Today we are leaving Kyaro. I am a bit anxious; I have never left my hometown before. I hope everything will be alright... Nanami came here to say good bye. It was so sad. I felt her grief even behind her brave and bright smile. She is such a nice sister.  
  
I try to avoid Jowy as much as possible. I am still a bit uneasy with what happened. I do not know how to deal with it...  
  
I should finish packing my things or else I will be late. Do not worry, I take you with me!  
  
  
  
September, 20th  
  
I cannot avoid him forever... I discovered that Jowy and I will have to share the same tent...Karu will be there too. As far as I am concerned I will not be able to hide from my best friend. Sooner or later I would face him and explain my behaviour. I must have hurt his feelings since I do not even dare looking at him. He suspects that I might hide something serious from him.  
  
  
  
September, 22nd  
  
We talked. Finally. I could not stand it anymore, could not hold it in anylonger. I told him everything that happened between Karu and me: how he asked me for a date, how he tried to kiss me, what I felt when I saw them...By the time I ended my account, I was crying. I feared that he might yell at me or accuse me of spying on him or something. But nothing happened. He just took me in his arms to confort me. It was nice...Later Karu and he had a fight. He forced him to apologize to me. I think he is still a bit hurt to know. As to me I feel even closer to Jowy. I mean he has fought for me! I have never felt ... well I do not really know what I feel.  
  
  
  
September, 26th  
  
I am bored.  
  
  
  
September, 29th  
  
Being a soldier is not as hard as I thought. Sometimes we encounter monsters but most of the time we are just waiting. However I have my friend with me so I will not complain. I wonder how Nanami is doing.  
  
Well I had better stop there since it is nearly my turn to patrol.  
  
Good night.  
  
  
  
October, 15th  
  
Yay! This is the last night we spend here!!!! Tomorrow we will return home!! I am so happy!!  
  
  
  
October, 18th  
  
A lot of things have happened. It all seem so incredible and though it is real.  
  
I do not know if I will be able to forget that dreadful night. I cannot remember clearly...I do not want to...But his image keeps haunting me. Luka Blight. That name makes me shiver all the time. He is frightening, really threatening. I have sense his aura...dark and evil...and sad, terribly sad and lonely. I can almost pity him. Almost. I think that he is completely crazy. How can someone sane deliberatly destroy life and spread chaos and fire, blasting everything around?  
  
And after? Well all I can say is that we jumped from a cliff into the water...I can still hear the deafening noise that came from the waterfalls nearby. Fortunately for you my dear diary, you managed to survive.  
  
I was found and taken here...in the Mercenary Fortress. But Jowy...They say they did not catch him in time...I hope he is all right. Though I cannot help being worried sick for him...He means so much to me...  
  
I am tired so I had better sleep. Good night.  
  
  
  
October, 19th  
  
Today I was given some chores to do. I had to clean up the whole place! Tough job...While I was doing the "housework" I noticed a few guards were staring at me oddly and sneering in my back... I seriously wondered if I had something on my face or if there was something wrong about my clothing. Later I talked about it to Flik and Viktor. They rolled their eyes and Viktor muttered something about "sick and pervert manners" and "ogling denfenseless and innocent young boys". A few hours later the men I talked about to Viktor and Flik showed up, followed by the bear-looking man (I mean Viktor). They all apologized. I do not know if I understand it all myself...Anyway the chores wore me off. I miss Jowy. I need to sleep. Good night.  
  
  
  
October, 22nd  
  
Jowy is there!!! He is alive!!!! I have prayed so much for his safety and life...I am relieved now that I can see him right in front of me.  
  
He looks very sweet when he sleeps. Good night.  
  
  
  
October, 25th  
  
Our first attempt to escape had been a failure, but this time we made it. We are now out of the Fortress.  
  
We returned home.  
  
We returned Kyaro!!  
  
Nanami was waiting for me. Then we were all accused of treason. I could not believe it. Fortunately Flik and Viktor saved us. I will never thank them enough for all they have done...We promised not to escape again and surprisingly they trusted us.  
  
Then Jowy took me to a small village called Toto. I had the pleasure to meet Pilika, a lovely little girl. She keeps calling us "uncle Jowy" and "uncle Lexeï". Jowy seems really fond of her and I understand perfectly. Her parents invited us to spend the night here...They are really kind.  
  
I wonder where Jowy is...He went out for awhile now...Well I am going to look for him. I do not even know why I care so much for him. It just makes me happy, I guess.  
  
  
  
October, 27th  
  
Horrible...Terrible...No word can possibly describe it...Toto is in ruin. Pilika, poor child, the only survivor. Luka Blight's work...He destroyed everything, every life...Those defenseless people...Why?...I cannot stand it anymore...I feel sick.  
  
Jowy is a bit too quiet and my heart aches whenever I see him like that. I know how much he loved the village, and Pilika's parents. I can hear him cry even though there is a wall between us. I would like to hold him close to me, to soothe his pain and grief...Again what I feel is confusing...I do not know what to do and it hurts to feel so powerless.  
  
  
  
November, 7th  
  
Another village...Ryube...  
  
I saw him. Luka Blight.  
  
What does he seek by burning and killing? Glory? Power? No...Only sadistic, sick, insane pleasure. I do not understand him. Though I tried to. He does not know happiness, friendship...not even love...Is it that fact that led him to madness?  
  
Jowy and I fought by Viktor and Flik's side. But we lost and had to run away.  
  
Pilika has lost her voice for she has been too frightened....She could have been killed...  
  
We also received runes...strange ones...I do not know if we will use them. A mysterious lady told us we would need them to stop the war...For a reason I cannot name, I have a foreboding of evil about the runes...Their power is quite great and I fear they might destroy us somehow...It is hard to explain...  
  
For tonight we are camping but tomorrow we will reach Muse, the capital of Jowston. I worry for the little girl. Jowy is with her at the moment, probably trying to reassure and confort her.  
  
  
  
November, 9th  
  
Okay, now we have some problems. The guards do not let us enter the city. That is the reason why we are forced to spend the night in a little inn nearby. However the owner, miss Hilda, is very kind and warm. A very nice woman.  
  
  
  
November, 11th  
  
We are finally in Muse...after spending a night in jail.  
  
We met a wonderful woman: Annabelle. She promised she would tell me about Genkaku, my grandfather...  
  
Then Jess, her chancellor, asked us for a favor. He wanted us to spy on Highland camp and make a report. I do not know if it is a good idea.  
  
  
  
November, 11th (hours later)  
  
Jowy is held prisonner...I do not know what to do. Viktor nearly tried to kill Jess after he learnt the news.  
  
  
  
November, 11th (late in the night)  
  
It is a miracle. Jowy came back! And yet...He acts strangely. I can tell there is something wrong, judging from his behaviour. I have never seen him that withdrawn and silent. He is not even smiling to Nanami's jokes.  
  
When I asked him if everything was all right, he said he did not want to talk with me for the moment, and he just walked away. I have never seen him so cold and it hurts so much because I care about him...Cannot he see it? I do not understand why he rejected me...I think I know how I feel about him...But I am not sure.  
  
I think I am in love with him...Bad time for realization, I guess.  
  
  
  
November, 13th  
  
Jowy "killed" Annabelle. I cannot believe it and yet it has happened. It must be a nightmare. He could not have done such a thing. He is so kind and gentle. But I have to be realistic. I am here, alone and he is gone somewhere. Where is he? I miss him...I did not have time to tell him my feelings.  
  
  
  
November,27th  
  
Lots of things have happened since Jowy's "betrayal". I still do not know where he is. I just hope that everything is all right for him. But I know he is strong. I still miss him though...I miss his smile, his beautiful laughter, his quiet presence, everything...  
  
For the moment, I am in an old castle...People told me it had been some kind of town before. Viktor seems to know the place very well, but his eyes are sad whenever his eyes lay on the remnants of North Window.  
  
The place belonged to a vampire. We were sent to get rid of him. It had not been easy because we needed a special sword to kill him. Fortunately Viktor and the sword knew each other ; it is quite funny to see them talking together! Well "talking" is a great word, "quarreling" may be a more fitting expression... then we defeated him and took possession of the castle. Viktor and Flik decided to recruit men in order to raise a new army.  
  
As far as I am concerned I will fight with them. I want to. Nanami decided to join too, because she does not want me to be hurt. She said she would protect me. However I know she hates war, probably as much as I do. I do dislike war and though I join them. Weird, is it not? But how can we live, knowing that a monster is killing innocent people everyday?  
  
  
  
November, 30st  
  
Okay...There must be something weird about me.  
  
I was sent with some other companions to recruit a man named Shu. He is the most brilliant strategist, according to Apple, and we needed his help to plan our defense against Highland armies. He came with us after we passed his "test"(Nanami, Apple and I have spent the night to search a coin in the cold water...).  
  
He has decided that I would make a great leader. I could not refuse; I mean, there are so much people that pray for peace to come back...  
  
All I want is to fulfill their wish.  
  
I want to stop this stupid war, I want to live with my sister and my best friend back in Kyaro.  
  
I do not want to see tears, blood and fire everywhere I go.  
  
I do not want people to suffer, I want to hear them laugh and live...  
  
I may not be very strong but I am not alone. I trust all the people here.  
  
And so, I said yes.  
  
Everyday the whole concept of war becomes less and less oppressive.  
  
But my real problem for the moment is that, now, for some reason, Shu keeps following me around. He even said that I needed so much protection that he would gladly volunteer to sleep in my room...I may be young but it does not mean I need a baby sitter!! Well, obviously he has more plans than simple baby sitting but I would rather not find out what. Maybe he is crazy? Anyway, some men look at me with this odd expression...They remind me of Viktor's mercenaries in a way. I have only one wish: I would like all those males to stop staring at me as if I was a hunch of meat...This is really unnerving.  
  
I hear Shu's voice, he is calling me for a gathering. I will write later.  
  
  
  
December, 15th  
  
Battles, recruits, battles, gatherings...It is really exhausting to be a leader...But I have the wonderful opportunity to make friend with so many people from the whole country. What scares me a little is to see how much they believe in me. Sometimes I doubt I am really worth this faith. But I try not to disappoint them.  
  
Battles are sometimes very hard, but we manage to survive. Really, I am surprised. For the first time I can battle without any reluctance...As if it were natural. I do not feel anything more...There is just ...a void.  
  
As for the enemy, they are quite strong. I really admire General Kiba's strenght even though I know I should not. I wish I have his skills and courage.  
  
Yesterday I met his son Klaus. I heard people say that he is very clever young man. Must be true. He looks very gentle and kind...He reminds of Jowy somehow...Nevertheless he is different. I do not know how to explain this feeling. Nanami is coming to check if I am okay, I had better sleep. Good night.  
  
  
  
December, 19th  
  
We have defeated Kiba's army!! He and his son has joined our side. We also learnt King Agares'death. Now Luka Blight is the new king of Highland...  
  
Well the positive point is that we have new allies now...  
  
I was true, Klaus is the nicest person I have ever met (aside from Nanami and Jowy, and my Grandfather)! I really like him a lot. We became friend rather quickly and I feel like I have known him all my life. I feel happy when I am with him...It is quite pleasant...He has magnificient eyes; they are deep turquoise blue with purple reflects...I am completely mesmerized...  
  
Great, now I am blushing. I feel so stupid. He cannot be interested in me; I am so common. Besides he has already tons of suitors. I thought I was in love with Jowy. I am confused.  
  
  
  
December, 23rd  
  
Ah it is nearly Christmas!! The snow is falling like bright white feathers...What a beautiful sight...  
  
I remember old days when Jowy, Nanami and I used to play in the snow or to skate on the frozen lake. I still miss him.... It would be nice to spend Christmas together...But it will never happen, will it?  
  
Yes, my best friend has turned into enemy...whereas my enemies have turned into friends and allies...ironical, is it not?  
  
Well now all I have to do is find some Christmas present...I will get one for Nanami (she is my big sister after all), one for Flik and Viktor (I have just discovered that they were lovers!!!), and one for Klaus. I cannot help thinking about him all the time, even during the gatherings...It disturbs me a lot and I do not know what to do. I cannot just tell him. Furthermore he never said wether he prefers girls or guys...He is like a perfect angel that I cannot reach...But I am digressing.  
  
I had better stop writing or else I will talk about him for pages and pages.  
  
  
  
December, 25th  
  
Wow. I have received lots of presents...And surprisingly I even had something from him. Him being lovely Klaus. It is a book. I do not remember telling him my love for books... I guess it is pure luck. I have read it all and it is very beautiful love story even if some passages are truly sad.  
  
As to me I wanted to offer him a silver chain bracelet. I could not find something more original or more simple. I still have it though, in one of my drawers. I could not bring myself to give him my present. I lacked the courage when I saw that he had already had many presents from his famous suitors (but his father do not like them very much). I wonder what he thinks about me...Does he find me handsome enough? Too young and too childish?  
  
Well I am too tired to think anymore, I am going to bed. Good night.  
  
  
  
December, 30th  
  
We did it. Luka Blight is dead.  
  
I should be happy about that. But I am not.How can you smile and laugh when someone dies?  
  
I saw his eyes when he died and I cried.  
  
They were not monster's eyes, cold and scary. They were human's eyes, expressing sadness, sorrow, regrets and relief. Relief found in death. And he looked at me...His eyes were sympathetic and slightly mocking...they said : "now it is your turn...You killed me...What do you feel? Nothing? We are alike, I told you so...You are a monster. Just like me."  
  
I cannot sleep. I keep tossing uncomfortably in my bed and I cannot close my eyes without seeing him, bleeding, and his eyes are haunting me. Blood...I can see blood in my dream...It stains my hand. I killed so many people, those I called my "enemies", and I never realized I was a monster. Just like him.  
  
  
  
December, 30th (later in the night)  
  
I killed him.  
  
I killed him.  
  
I killed him.  
  
I killed him myself.  
  
I killed.  
  
I am a monster.  
  
I am a monster who killed another monster.  
  
I am a monster who killed.  
  
I am a monster who kills.  
  
I wish someone could help me before I go insane.  
  
  
  
January, 5th  
  
No, the war is not over yet...Jowy took the lead of Highland armies and the throne of the kingdom. I could not believe it at first but soon I had to face it: he is still my "enemy".  
  
I still dream about Luka dying...I cannot get rid of that nightmare, it just keeps haunting me every night. I cannot sleep peacefully.  
  
Nanami worries about my health ; she said I have lost weight and that dark circles slightly appear under my eyes. I feel so sick that I cannot even eat properly. How am I supposed to lead a whole army in these conditions?  
  
Shu and Klaus tried to convince me to get some rest. They are looking at me with concern, but I do not need their pity, I do not need anything, I do not need anyone, just leave me alone. I must be completely crazy...  
  
Klaus looked hurt when I told him to go to hell...He was just trying to help me...Does he care about me? Or does he care for the leader I am supposed to be?  
  
How can you care for a monster...  
  
At this time I feel like tearing something off, I want to break something to soothe the pain, to drown my sorrow.  
  
Please help me.  
  
  
  
January, 6th (late at night)  
  
I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.  
  
This idea is harassing me. Am I obscessed? I try to push it away, I try to hide, I try to run away, I try to forget and it keeps coming back. Oh, please...Help me.  
  
  
  
January, 10th  
  
I do not feel well at all. My vision blurs from time to time, but nothing serious. Nanami insisted on looking after me. I am slowy sinking. I am drowning. So hard to breathe and go on living.  
  
The library is empty today. I just threw everyone out. They must not see me like that. I am so piteous.  
  
The monster is weak. Ha ha ha. That's not even funny.  
  
I am barely able to walk without swaying...  
  
I am falling. Please catch me before I hit the ground.  
  
Please help me.  
  
I do not know how long my sanity will last.  
  
Please help me.  
  
  
  
January, 12th  
  
I receive lots of messages from all my stars, in that sort of mailbox we have near the gathering room. They all say the same thing. They are all worried about me, they suggest me to get some rest or to go and see Huan.  
  
I am not ill.  
  
I do not want them to take care of me.  
  
I hate them. I hate them. I hate them all...  
  
I hate myself.  
  
  
  
January, 13th  
  
Things are getting worst and worst. I have become rude, and sometimes violent, to everyone.  
  
I nearly harm Klaus this morning.  
  
I was about to collapse and he came to my rescue, saying that everything would be all right. I shoved him against the wall. His kindness was getting on my nerves. He just stood up and smiled, whispering he cares for me and will always. How can he??  
  
Look at me...I am half-crazy! Yes, I know for sure that I am nothing but a monster. They keep calling me their friend, they keep pretending that they do not know my real nature, they keep trying to help. But it is too late.  
  
Blood has been shed. Blood is on my hands. Blood floods in my dreams. Blood is spread on battle fields. Blood, there is blood everywhere; on, the walls, on my sheets, in my plate!!! Everywhere, blood is everywhere? Cannot they see it? Cannot they?  
  
Great, now I am crying.  
  
I unsuccesfully tried to blink back my tears, but they would still fall and fall and fall and fall...just like me. But this time I have nothing to cling to, nothing to rely on...nothing...noone.  
  
  
  
January, 14th  
  
Yes I am still alive. I am a living sick bastard. That is all.  
  
Look at the the great hero. Hah! Let me laugh!  
  
Nanami had forced me to stay in my room for today. Who does she think she is? Though I cannot escape from this room: there are about five guards in front of my door. Furthermore I can barely walk. The lack of food has weakened me.  
  
Luka would laugh if he could see me right now.  
  
See? I am obscessed with him! We are so much alike. No, we are different... alike... different ... alike... Damn I do not know!!  
  
Please someones give me an answer!!  
  
No, I do not want help help...Otherwise I will endanger those who would try to help me...like gentle and sweet Klaus...I am lost...  
  
I do not need them, right? And they do not need me at all...Who would?  
  
My headaches are getting worst...It hurts so much...  
  
I want to die.  
  
  
  
January, 15th  
  
My head hurts like hell...  
  
Hard to think. You know, they believe I cannot hear them...But I do. Every whisper, every breath. I can hear everything. And I know what they say about me. They have all concluded that I was mad. They are right, I am.  
  
There is no reason why I should live...  
  
Just kill me.  
  
Noone would regret me. War will stop, people's life will be spared, no more destruction, no more tears, no more blood, no more suffering...What more can you ask for?  
  
At least my very dream and wish would come true.  
  
So...let me die.  
  
I want to die.  
  
Please...  
  
  
  
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Okay, that is all for part one! I know the story gets darker and darker at the end. However I did not intend to write it that way at the beginning. It was supposed to be only a little love story, bright and happy...Now I am confronted to a suicidal teenage...Anyway what is done cannot be changed.  
  
Flames? Oh yes, of course you can send me flames and any other comments...I do not mind. Just do not send me bombs or such, okay? ^^;; 


	2. Balance Between Shadow And Light

Diaries.  
  
By Alexandrei.  
  
Part 2 – Balance between shadow and light.  
  
No, those wonderful characters do not belong to me. If they did, I would not be there, writing these stuff. I would live in a marvellous villa in St Tropez, admiring the fantastic view...Anyway this is but a dream. So these characters belong to Konami Computer Entertainment Tokyo. I do not make any benefits with my poor stories so please do not bother me!  
  
The story contains some shônen ai.  
  
The hero's name is Lexeï.  
  
The story (if you can call this stuff a story) is quite lame and stupid. ^^;;  
  
Spoilers for the whole game.  
  
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So here is part 2...Nanami's diary...  
  
..................  
  
..................  
  
That's part 2. ^^;;;  
  
As usual it is not great...Hum...  
  
I have no beta-reader for this part…Sorry. If you notice mistakes then just tell me. I usually write in french (I am French after all) so there might be a lot.  
  
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*cover*  
  
This diary belongs to Synea.  
  
Age: 16  
  
Birthdate: November, 25th  
  
Birthplace: North Window  
  
Personnal note: Hey, sis! Don't try to steal this thing!! It is mine! So keep your hands  
  
off my diary otherwise you will be REALLY sorry!  
  
  
  
In case something happens to me, anyone who finds this journal can keep it. I do not care. It may be a way not to forget me...(I know it does not sound very optimistic)  
  
*******  
  
November, 30th _ North Window Castle_  
  
I do not know why I am doing this. Really I do not.  
  
I found this old diary while I was tidying a room. All I know is that it belonged to a girl (well I suppose it is a girl) named Synea.  
  
So why am I doing this? Why am I writing in this old thing?  
  
Of course it is written in the cover that "anyone who finds this journal can keep it"...But I do not want to have that kind of stuff!  
  
It feels like someone is telling me that I have to continue writing...Odd...I do not like it at all.  
  
Anyway, since I have just scribbled down something I guess I have done my part of the job. There is no reason why I should go on, right?  
  
I had better stop writing, I feel stupid.  
  
Nanami.  
  
  
  
December, 1st  
  
Okay.  
  
So I am writing again...There must be something seriously wrong with me.  
  
Since this thing belonged to someone who lived in North Window years ago, I had thought that Viktor might have liked to have it. Surprisingly enough, he just said that he did not want to have it, not now...that he was not ready to face his past yet. He looked so sad...And then he told me to keep it. He even added that it would be a good idea to continue writing...  
  
Here is my little story to explain why I am still writing in this stupid thing.  
  
Heh, I have not told my brother yet. He is going to laugh...I should not have offered him a diary for his birthday...  
  
Oh well, I can live with that...  
  
Well, it is time to introduce myself.  
  
My name is Nanami, aged sixteen, and I come from Kyaro.  
  
For the moment I stay at North Window Castle because I joined the Dragon Army, to fight Highland Kingdom. To tell the truth I joined because I care too much about my little brother. He is just so very naive, I have to protect him.  
  
Grandpa Genkaku raised us. We are both adopted children, but I guess it does not matter because we loved Genkaku as if he was our real grandfather. I have cried so much when he died...  
  
And I love Lex as if he were my real brother. He is my only family left.  
  
We had a friend, Jowy. Unfortunately, he "betrayed" us and now we have to fight against him. War circumstances I guess. But I know he really is a good person. I believe he has a good reason to act that way. I still hope that one day we will be together again: me, Jowy and Lexeï...  
  
Geez, I am getting too serious and it annoys me...  
  
It is late anyway, so I am going to bed.  
  
  
  
December, 5th  
  
I cannot believe I am still writing...But well...  
  
I tried to convince Viktor again, but he refused to take it...  
  
That may be the reason why I am sitting on my bed, with a pen in my hand, writing. Haha.  
  
I have made some research today. No I am not kidding. I wanted to find some informations about "Synea". I know it would be more simple to read what she (or he) has written in the first pages as an introduction. But I think I do not dare reading, because I do not feel I have the right to. I mean, she deserves some privacy, it is none of my business after all.  
  
I cannot explain those strange feelings and thoughts...Must be my imagination. Anyway I have not found anything. It does not mean I give up.  
  
  
  
December, 14th  
  
The battle was tough. Our enemy, general Kiba (if I remember rightly), is a very strong opponent. He has a son, Klaus,who is said to be the best strategist in Highland. Impressive. My bro keeps talking about this brilliant young man, praising his skills, his maturity and so on. Obviously he sincerely admires him...Heheh...this is quite interesting: I have something more to tease him about! I am his sister after all.  
  
  
  
December, 17th  
  
I think I am getting used to this diary thing. Actually it is not that bad to be able to express your thoughts and feelings on a page. I mean, usually I do not have much time to talk with my brother or to have any kind of relationships with the others. There is so much on my mind and I cannot always voice everything. Consequently I guess that this diary is somehow useful. It enables me to free my heart from any heavy secrets or something...  
  
  
  
December, 19th  
  
I never thought we could do it. But we did. We won that particularly hard battle.  
  
Kiba and Klaus are fighting by our side now. Kiba is quite a strong man. And Klaus...Well...He is very handsome (haha), clever, mature...(My bro was right...)But he is not very talkative, that is a shame, since he has a rather beautiful voice...But I am digressing.  
  
What I really wanted to write was about my bro.  
  
I must say he impressed me.  
  
And he worried me as well.  
  
He became so strong. I wonder if he still needs me to protect him. At least, I am sure he will always need me to take care of him! I must admit it reassured me to see his strenght. But that is not what worried me.  
  
I saw him fight... His face was so serene...And his eyes...  
  
So cool and empty.  
  
It almost scared me. I have never seen my brother like this. So detached. I know how much he dislikes war and battles.  
  
But today, something has changed.  
  
And I did not recognize him on the battlefield.  
  
I do not like that at all.  
  
  
  
Decmber, 23rd  
  
Hey! I am thinking about something very important (great time for realisations, is it not?)!! It is nearly Christmas and I have not bought any presents yet!! Oh my god!!!  
  
No, seriously, I do not have any ideas...This is a very big problem and it happens every year...  
  
Well I have got to go. I promised to meet Klaus. He wanted to ask me something... Interesting... I'll tell you about it tomorrow, if I have time!  
  
I must go insane, because I am talking to my diary as if it was a human being...  
  
  
  
December, 24th  
  
You'll never guess what Klaus wanted yesterday!!!! He wanted to know what kind of presents he could offer Lex!!!! He was so shy...and he was blushing!! All the signs were there!!! I knew it!  
  
Here is a little list :  
  
1/ He became friend with Lex, rather quickly (five days), whereas he is a bit reserved with the other stars.  
  
2/ He always choose a seat close to where Lex is during the gatherings (it makes Shu jealous).  
  
3/ His eyes and his voice always soften when he speaks to Lex.  
  
4/ He smiles only for Lex. (how lucky!!!)  
  
5/ When Lex smiles back he blushes slightly.  
  
6/ At meals, he keeps glancing to my bro from time to time.  
  
7/ He does not appreciate (and me neither) the fact that Shu keeps following my bro everywhere and a little too closely.  
  
8/ He does not appreciate any guys around Lex.  
  
Aha.  
  
Obviously he has fallen for Lex (it must be a kind of miracle). That is so cute!  
  
As far as I am concerned I advised this wonderful young man to get him a book.  
  
Yes, my brother loves reading (okay, he does not look clever (this is only my personal opinion), but seriously he is...well, I guess he is, but you never know...): sad love stories, detective stories, plays...  
  
Anyway, Klaus thanked me warmly (he is so nice!!).  
  
Well, now I want to go and see what Lex thinks about Klaus...Heheh, this is going to be fun.  
  
  
  
December, 24th (late at night)  
  
I forgot to tell you something very important!!!  
  
You know my dear diary, you are almost like a friend for me now...I know it sounds odd.  
  
  
  
December, 25th  
  
Can you guess what Klaus offered Lex?  
  
A book!!!!  
  
Thanks to my wise piece of advice.  
  
I had thought that Lex would offer something to Klaus...but he did not. Have I been reading him wrong? I sincerely believed...Well, there must be a logical explanation.  
  
I am sure that Klaus is a bit upset. Poor Klaus. I will go and see him after lunch.  
  
  
  
December, 30th  
  
We did it. We won.  
  
And we killed him. We killed Luka Blight. We killed that monster.  
  
I am not "happy" about that. But I am satisfied because he has paid for all his crimes and he will not hurt people anymore.  
  
As for my brother...Well he seems a bit shocked...and there is something else, but I cannot say what, that is disturbing him. I hope he is allright.  
  
Well, it is late. So, that is all for today.  
  
Good night.  
  
  
  
December, 30th (late at night)  
  
As I went to check if my bro was okay, I heard him cry. It was rather a muffled sound, but I know him well enough to understand that he was weeping. I think that he keeps torturing himself with Luka's death. I still wonder why, though. I mean everyone else is relieved to know that he is dead, therefore we may assume that his death is rather a good thing. So, why does he mourn for him?? It worries me to see him like that. The worst is that I do not know what to do.  
  
  
  
January, 5th  
  
Has my brother, my beloved brother, gone CRAZY ??  
  
He does not eat, does not sleep, does not want me to take care of him and yet he continues ruling this castle and his army, like it is nothing.  
  
I told Shu and Klaus about this little "problem". They tried to help me and convince him to have some rest at least, they really did. In vain. He did not listen to what we think about his behaviour and it angered me.  
  
Klaus looked even more worried than I, and he tried everything he could to help me, using any arguments he could find. And Lex just told him to go to hell. I think I have never seen someone so hurt and desperate. I nearly believed he was about to cry...Poor Klaus.  
  
  
  
January, 14th  
  
It has been a while since I wrote, I know. And I am sincerely sorry, but I have been so busy lately.  
  
I do not know what to do anymore. He will not let me help. I cannot even approach him. I barely recognize him. He is like a total stranger to me and this is really frightening.  
  
Yes, I am talking about my little brother.  
  
He became so rude and almost violent. It is very hard for people to go and talk to him. He does not listen to them, does not pay attention to their problems even when it is about war, strategies, opponents. He does not seem to care anymore. He became deaf to the world that surrounds him.  
  
I do not understand what is wrong with him. I just feel pain, a lot of pain, sorrow, despair and hatred emanating from his aura.  
  
And his eyes are...haunted. The light that shone in his eyes has faded away, shadowed by... something. I do not like his gaze. It is really chilling. It seems to say something like "kill me before I kill you all".  
  
And I feel so powerless. It is awful...All this sadness and guilt...  
  
Does it have something to do with Luka's death?  
  
Moreover, Klaus looks very affected by this change. But he still cares about Lex. He is such a nice person, I would hate to see him hurt.  
  
  
  
January, 19th  
  
They all said my brother had gone insane. The truth is even worst and more frightening.  
  
No, I am not as calm as people may think. How can I be calm after what I have seen? After what Huan has told me?  
  
Actually I am shaking. I can barely write properly; my pen threatens to fall every ten seconds. I am so nervous that I cannot control my reactions.  
  
I do not know how I feel exactly.  
  
I am scared to death.  
  
I am mad at him.  
  
At myself.  
  
I am worried sick.  
  
I want to cry.  
  
I want to scream.  
  
I want to give vent to my pain.  
  
Well, you may want to know what has happened. I need to write this down otherwise I would break down soon.  
  
As I told you before, my brother is now considered as crazy. That is what people generally think. As far as I am concerned, I just know he has a problem. And today...Well today he tried to kill himself. He really did. Huan told me that Klaus had found him in the baths. He had his wrists open. He lost a lot of blood. Huan is not sure that he will be okay.  
  
And I am there. In my room. Crying.  
  
Lex, I wish you told me what is wrong with you. Please, let me help you. Do not make me suffer like this. It is unbearable.  
  
I hate this.  
  
  
  
January, 20th  
  
Lex is still unconscious. That is what Klaus has reported to me. He is so very kind. He even accepted to stay by my brother's side in my stead. Do not get me wrong. I still love my brother, nothing has changed...but it is just that I fear that...I do not want to blame myself for what has happened. Though the moment I will see him, I know I will.  
  
You know, I am very grateful to Klaus for everything. My brother is so lucky that someone cares so much for him. And he does not even know that. I think that is the worst because Klaus is really hurt to be rejected that way. However in his heart of hearts my Lex did not mean any harm.  
  
I hope the situation will get better soon.  
  
  
  
January, 23rd  
  
Lex has finally awoken. He is still a bit weak but he is out of danger for the moment. Of course that is if he rests quietly and eats properly.  
  
I saw Klaus this morning, he looked so relieved. He was very exhausted as well; Huan told me that he took care of my brother day and night with devotion, never allowing himself to rest unless necessary. He should get some sleep otherwise he will collapse from exhaustion.  
  
As for my brother...I do not know...I wonder what is going to happen now...  
  
  
  
January, 25th  
  
My brother has been allowed to go back to his room. However he still does not want any company, not even mine. I still do not know what his problem exactly is...  
  
Meanwhile Shu is busy running the castle, organizing the troops and planning the battles. It must be very exhausting for him, but well he does not really have the choice.  
  
As for Klaus, he is not of a great help for the moment. He looks utterly depressed, staring off space most of the time, not paying attention to the world around him anymore...probably because of my brother, once again. I think he has fallen very deep for Lex, otherwise he would not be as affected as he is at the moment. His father told me that he has never seen Klaus like that. Usually he controls his emotions and rarely allowed them to be known..  
  
Does Lex realise how much it hurts to be rejected in such a way? Does he even know that there are still people here who care for him?  
  
No I do not think he knows...because there is so much hatred in his eyes and so much pain as well...all those feelings are blinding him. Maybe he regrets everything he has done...I cannot tell for sure.  
  
  
  
January, 31st  
  
For today I prefer talking about something else. I want to relax a bit. So here I am, in the great library. You know, I like this place. It is so peaceful and it always manages to soothe me. Anyway I am here to continue my research on the mysterious Synea. No it is not an obcession; I am just curious and I cannot explain why I feel so. It has been a while since my last research...I hope I will find something this time. I am so unlucky usually...  
  
  
  
January, 31st (late at night)  
  
I was right. I have not found anything about this Synea...Should I give up?  
  
  
  
February, 2nd  
  
Lex gets weirder and weirder...All of a sudden he breaks into tears and the minute that follows he is yelling and insulting everyone, before weeping again. At night I can hear him sob and this is really tormenting me. I need to know what scares him so much, what tears his heart like that.  
  
Tonight I will talk to him. No matter what, I will. He cannot go on like this, neither can I.  
  
  
  
February, 3rd  
  
We talked a lot yesterday evening.  
  
Of course, at the beginning he did not want to see me, he even told me to go to hell. But I managed to convince him to let me come in. I am still unsure why he finally accepted to open his door, but at least it means that he has not forgotten I was his sister. Or maybe he wanted to get rid of me as soon as possible, and that was the only way...  
  
Anyway, he let me in. You know, it had been a while since I last went to his room; however I did not expected to find it so messy. His beloved books were scattered on the floor, his pillows were torn, various broken objects lay a bit everywhere...Even the walls wore scars, as if a knife had dug into them. I did not dare asking him what he was doing when I came, because he had that frightening look on his face. He glared at me, asking why I was bothering him. I just sat on his bed silently, never taking my eyes off him.  
  
He turned away from me and began pacing restlessly in his room, muttering. He became rude, saying that everyone here was stupid enough to fight for a lost cause, that he did not want to see them because he did not care about them and their miserable lives and homes, he even added that since he never had a real family, he did not see any reason why they could have one...  
  
That was the moment I lost my temper. I got up from my seat and slapped him hard. I had never dared raising a hand against him in the past but he went too far this time.  
  
I do not think he expected the blow. His eyes has widened a bit and he stared at me. Finally he managed to choke out a coherent sentence. He asked me why I slapped him.  
  
He had not even realised what horrible things he said a few minutes ago...  
  
I did the only thing that came to my mind. I threw my arms around his neck to hold him gently...and I cried on his shoulder. I begged him to tell me why he had acted the way he did. And he told me.  
  
I would never have guessed his answer by myself...So, Luka was the reason. He explained that he was a monster even worst than Luka, that he was completely worthless to everyone, that he did not deserve to love and to be loved in return. He believed he was evil...He also told me about his dreams and his obcessions.  
  
I never thought he would feel so guilty after killing the mad prince. I tried to reassure him, to tell him that he was but kind and gentle. In vain. Then he began to cry. I stayed with him until he fell asleep.  
  
I wish I knew what to do.  
  
  
  
February, 10th  
  
Obviously our little conversation has changed something in Lex's behaviour. He seems a bit more calm. That does not mean that he will be okay ; all I know is that it is only temporary. I must find another solution to help him, something that would last. I think I will talk about this with Huan and Shu after dinner.  
  
For the moment I am trying to think about how I could make Klaus help...I do not know if he is still in love with my brother ; anyhow he is still affected by what has happened lately. I really want to see them together, you know. They are so perfect for each other. Moreover I do not want to see them so hurt and lonely.  
  
So here are my plans: first I have to help my brother and then, I will have to play matchmaker!  
  
  
  
February, 15th  
  
I met Shu and Huan to expose my little plan. They had asked some other stars to come as well in case I would need their help. If I remember rightly they were Flik, Viktor, Leona, and Hilda. They totally agree with me and they said that they would do their best to help me. Well in fact, Shu is not very happy with the second part of my plan, that is to say the part in which I planned to get Klaus and my bro together. But well, I prefer Klaus to Shu...  
  
  
  
February, 17th  
  
Well, my brother had really stunned me this time. No, do not get me wrong, he has not done anything bad. He just decided to do something about his "problem". He admitted that he had thought about this solution for a long time but that he was too afraid to try. He added it was thanks to me that he finally found the courage to do it.  
  
Actually he wants to go back to the place where it has all begun and take some time off. He wants to think about everything but alone so that noone would be hurt anymore.  
  
He also asked me if I could help him to pack some stuff. I accepted of course. You know, for a brief moment he reminded me of my real brother, the one he was before.  
  
  
  
February, 25th  
  
There, my brother is gone. I hope he will be allright. He is still a bit weak from his..."attempt". But, obviously this little trip is what he needs and as a result there is not much that I can do. I feel lonely when he is not there. It reminds me the first time he left home with Jowy. I was so very afraid that he might not come back safe and sound...It is the same feeling today. Ah, I guess I worry too much...Well I am going to the library and I am taking you with me, if you do not mind... 


	3. Light From A Lonely Soul

Diaries.  
  
By Alexandrei.  
  
Part 3 – Light from a lonely soul.  
  
No, those wonderful characters do not belong to me. If they did, I would not be there, writing these stuff. I would live in a marvellous villa in St Tropez, admiring the fantastic view...Anyway this is but a dream. So these characters belong to Konami Computer Entertainment Tokyo. I do not make any benefits with my poor stories so please do not bother me!  
  
The story contains some shônen ai.  
  
The hero's name is Lexeï.  
  
The story (if you can call this stuff a story) is quite lame and stupid. ^^;;  
  
Spoilers for the whole game.  
  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
  
This is the third part...wow I am so impressed...I have never thought I would go this far....  
  
Well, this is Klaus'point of view.  
  
I guess I should return to my work and finish this story as soon as possible?  
  
I have no beta-reader for this part…Sorry. If you notice mistakes then just tell me. I usually write in french (I am French after all) so there might be a lot.  
  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
  
December, 23rd  
  
I never thought I would keep a diary one day... I have never had the time actually...  
  
Why do I start one today? Because a lot of things have changed in my life and I need to confide my burden. As a result I thought that starting a diary would not be a bad idea.  
  
Anyway, I think I should fill this diary with personal informations as an introduction.  
  
My name is Klaus and I was born in L'Renouille, capital of Highland. I am nineteen years old. My father is a former general of Highland. He and I fight with the Dragon Army now. It is quite an awkward situation...What I mean is that we are fighting against our own country...But I do not want to talk about all those events that happened before we joined this side.  
  
This Dragon Army is led by a fifteen-years-old adolescent named Lexeï.  
  
Silky dark hair, a set of luminous brown eyes, pale and soft skin...Perfect. That is the only word I can think of to describe his looks. As for his personality, he is kind, gentle and strong at the same time. However he is kind of shy and withdrawn from time to time...That is cute. He can be very stubborn too but I know he always means well.  
  
He really impressed me the first time we met. I never forgot him from this very moment I laid my eyes on him. I just knew I had found what was missing to my soul.  
  
Even if I have not known him for a very long time, I dare say he is the only one for me. People may have found strange the fact that I became friend with Lexeï so quickly, but I do not really mind as long as I can be with him...  
  
As Christmas is in a few days I wanted to get a present that would please him. As a result I asked lady Nanami, his sister, what he would appreciate. When I had the information, I rushed to South Window and bought the item: a book. Yes, my lovely leader is a book lover...  
  
I hope he will like the story.  
  
I think I have written enough for today; besides it is getting late. Good night.  
  
  
  
December, 25th  
  
Finally Christmas. Time really flies, does it not ?  
  
Today I offered Lexeï the book and I think I have surprised him. Obviously he did not expect me to give him something...I know he has received many other gifts, from lady Nanami of course but also from sir Flik, miss Leona...and Shu, the other strategist. I must admit I do not really like this man. He is very brilliant and represents a major asset, of course, but that does not give him the right to follow my Lexeï everywhere. Well, I wish he were mine. This is bothering me because I cannot help feeling jealous.  
  
I must have fallen hard for this enchanting adolescent, otherwise I would not be here in my room, sighing over him. This is so "new"...I have never felt like this before and yet I already have experience with love...I had some girlfriends and even a boyfriend... But at no time have I enjoyed real and strong feelings. I hope, though, that it will not affect my work.  
  
As for me, I received a lot of presents too. Most of them were sent by people I do not even know. My father told me that they were probably admirers... I know he disapprove of them because he fears someone might break my heart one day and so he tries to protect me by every means...But my heart is already held by him.  
  
Lexeï.  
  
I cannot love anyone else. He has so much power over me ; I wonder if he is aware of this fact.  
  
Probably not ; he is so innocent and naive...  
  
Does he have feelings for me? What does he think about me? Is he already in love with someone?  
  
So many questions and not enough answers.  
  
  
  
December, 30th  
  
Luka Blight is dead. Today we managed to defeat him thanks to Leon Silverberg's help. If he had not sent this message to warn us, we would have never guessed Luka's intentions. As a result Shu and I worked very hard to find the best way to put an end to the mad prince's life. And we succeded. Our strategy went perfectly well and we won.  
  
Tonight the troops are celebrating and the other stars as well. However my young lord looked a little pale. I tried to ask him if everything was alright and he just told me not worry for him. His smile was so weak and his voice very tired. I think he is still a bit shocked with what happened. I hope he will be fine tomorrow.  
  
As far as I am concerned I am too exhausted to go downstairs and enjoy the feast. I am going to bed now. Good night.  
  
  
  
December, 31st  
  
The war is not over yet. Lord Jowy (or should I say king Jowy? ), has sent a message to warn us that as long as he and Lexeï were alive, the war will go on and on...until one of them dies. The simple thought makes me shiver. I just cannot imagine what my life would be if my gentle lord disappeared... But I trust him ; I know he is strong.  
  
On the other hand I feel jealous again and I keep wondering how close my lord and his friend Jowy really were. But I am guilty to have such ideas, because there are more important matters than my love and heart. I have to think about the battles and nothing else. I have to concentrate.  
  
  
  
January, 6th  
  
My gentle lord has not been himself lately. He does not eat well enough and barely sleeps...I am seriously alarmed. If he goes on like this he will soon collapse. Though, in spite of his obvious frail condition, he still runs the castle and his army. On lady Nanami's request, Shu and I tried to convince him to get some rest for a day or two at least but he would just deliberately ignore our advice.  
  
Shu quickly gave up but I did not. I care too much for my young lord to let him down. I am sure he has serious problems but he does not dare talk about them to us. He fears that we might not understand. Maybe we will not. Maybe I will not. But that does not keep me from trying to help.  
  
Of course it hurts to be rejected that way, but I do not mind as long as I can be beside him. I want to be here for him...Does he know how important he is to me? Probably not, otherwise, I would not be in my room half crying over him.  
  
  
  
January, 12th  
  
I still do not know what the problem is. I tried to think about every event that might have affected my lord, and I believe that Luka's death must be the cause of all his troubles. However I do not understand how it could truly disturb him. I mean, I thought he was happy to know that peace may reign again, that he would be able to have his friend Jowy back.  
  
But obviously I was utterly wrong. I have never seen someone so depressed. I wish he would talk to me, just like before when he was so gentle and kind...I would give anything for him to open up, to let me know and help if it is possible. He may be so stubborn sometimes but I guess that it is part of his charm. No matter what is happening I am still deeply in love with him. Nothing will change my mind and if I have to suffer and wait, I just will.  
  
I know that he does not mean any harm, how could he? It goes against his nature.  
  
  
  
January, 15th  
  
I hurt. My head hurts. My heart hurts.  
  
How can someone be so rude and violent? How can "he" be so rude rude and violent? I will never understand.  
  
I cannot recognize my gentle lord anymore. He seems like a complete stranger to me, someone I have never seen, never known, never met...  
  
It is really frightening to observe such changes. I almost fear him. Whenever I try and talk to him, he looks at me with such hatred and such harshness in his eyes.  
  
And such sadness.  
  
I can tell he does not intend to hurt people, but he cannot help doing so as if to prove he is not worth ...living. It is so horrible that he may even think like this...But everything...his behaviour, his eyes, his actions...They all seem to beg for release. And according to him, this "release" is "death".  
  
Again I find myself thinking about Prince Luka. He had such a similar way of acting...And he has suffered this agony until...until he dies. I wish the situation got better, both for my lord and my sanity. Because if things go on like this, I will slowy sink into despair. I do not want my Lexeï to reject me.  
  
  
  
January, 19th  
  
I cannot believe what has just happened...sometimes I think this all is but a mere nightmare, that if I wake up everything will be fine and normal. But whenever I look at him, I know this is reality because the pain I feel from him, from me is so very intense. Today may be the worst day of my whole life.  
  
What I saw was horrible. I am not certain if I can, or rather if I want to describe it.  
  
He was there...lying in a steamy pool of blood...In the baths room... He was not moving at all...And I panicked...I called for help...Tried to think of something, someone quickly...Went to fetch Huan...Tried to explain, tried to be calm, tried everything...He was not moving...so still...I do not know if he was still breathing...so pale...  
  
Here come the tears again...I do not think I have ever cried so much when I was still working for the kingdom. I do not even think I have ever cried so much for someone in particular. And it hurts so bad. I would like this pain to go away...but as long as I love him, it will remain there...So what is the solution?  
  
To forget him?  
  
To run away from this cursed place?  
  
To leave the past behind?  
  
To find someone else?  
  
I sound do deseperate. Probably because I am.  
  
All I can think of is stay by my lord's side...I do not know why I need to care so much for him, after all he did, even if unwittingly, to me...I guess I cannot let him down, not when he needs someone's help so much.  
  
  
  
January, 23rd  
  
I have not been able to write during the past days, too busy looking after the young lord. Today he has finally awoken. Of course he is still weak but at least he is still alive. He has not even said a word to me. He just keeps staring off space, seeming out my reach, out of anyone's, with his empty and soulless eyes...  
  
Does he recognize me?  
  
Does he remember me?  
  
Does he notice that I am by his side, alive, watching over him?  
  
I do not know what to do to gain his full attention. I would like to talk with him, hear his gentle voice again. But each time his voice comes out icy and harsh, just like his words.  
  
My lord has definitely change and I am not sure if I can go on like this.  
  
Loving but not being loved in return, caring but not being cared for, crying but not being conforted.  
  
I am not sure my feelings will still be intact after all those hardships. I am not even sure if I can love him anymore...if I can love anymore...  
  
  
  
January, 25th  
  
I tried. I really tried hard. But I cannot concentrate on my tasks and this is quite irritating. I do not think I am still able to work. Everything seems wrapped in a hazy fog. Sometimes I just cannot focus my eyes and I end up staring off space for no particular reasons. Just because of him. My thoughts still go to him, and I am wondering how he is, anf then the minute after that I hate him with a passion, accusing him for all my pain. I do not know how much my nerves will be able to bear. I do not even know how long I will last...Not much probably. And then I will fall and fall.  
  
Noone will catch me before I hit the bottom.  
  
  
  
February, 4th  
  
Lady Nanami seemed so worried today that I asked her if I could do something for her. In my own pain and despair, I had nearly forgotten that I was not the only one to suffer from Lexeï's behaviour.  
  
She finally confessed that she had had a talk with her brother and that they had nearly fought. Though she did not seem particularly despondent...Probably because she has obtained some results? Anyway, I think I do not mind anymore. I think this is probably better for me to forget everything about the young lord. Everything. That is to say my love for him. I do not want to love him anymore, to be burnt again. Of course I will stay by his side until the end of this war. But it will not be the same...I hope I have made the right choice.  
  
  
  
February, 7th  
  
I still think of him.  
  
Day and night.  
  
Why does he haunt me? I have sworn that I would give up all my feelings for him...  
  
And though, it seems that this wish is impossible to fulfill. Have I fallen so deep for him? Maybe I do feel some pity because everything is not his fault. I really should do something to forget him, or more precisely my love for him. I have to find someone else and leave the past behind.  
  
  
  
February, 11th  
  
It has happened more quickly than I could have ever imagined. Actually I have found someone.  
  
His name is Mitsuru.  
  
He is very gentle and caring; he reminds me of the young lord before he changed. Tonight we are going out together. I think this is the beginning of a new relationship…  
  
I do not know if it is a good idea, but it is worth giving it a try. At least, I am sure it will not shatter my heart as much as Lexeï did.  
  
I hope Mitsuru will make me forget…I hope he will make me feel alive again…I hope…  
  
  
  
February, 13th  
  
Lady Nanami seems a bit preoccupied lately…I wonder if it is related to the fight she has with her brother a few days ago. I can remember it clearly.  
  
I happened to walk just nearby when I heard someone literally pounding on the door, yelling something I didn't quite catch. Nevertheless I remained pressed against the wall, having recognised the voice. It was lady Nanami and I was fairly sure that she was yelling at her brother. I didn't want to interfere, it was none of my business after all. However curiosity got the better of me and I was tempted to listen in their conversation. It took me a lot of will not to go and press my ear to the door. I was brought back to reality by the sound of sobbing. I instantly knew it was the young lord. To tell the truth it broke my heart to hear him in such pain. I could not bear the thought, that is the reason why I quickly ran away. I could not stand it anymore.  
  
How I hate him for hurting me so much! He has no right to do this to me. I have nothing to deserve such a treatment, such a punishment! It is unfair…so very unfair…  
  
I wish my life was not as complicated as it is right now. A life in which I could still love and be loved…I wish I could stop crying…  
  
When will it stop?  
  
When will the pain, the sorrow, the hurt stop?  
  
When?  
  
I have to prepare myself…Tonight Mitsuru and I are going out again…He is really nice ; I like him a lot…  
  
I know he loves me, but what about me?  
  
Do I love him as much as he does me? I cannot answer that…Not now at least…There are still things I need to work out.  
  
I'm going to be late if I keep writing…  
  
Good night.  
  
  
  
February, 15th  
  
The young lord has been very quiet since the day he had argued with his sister. I wonder what is on his mind? He seems to prepare something and I cannot help but being curious. I know I said I would not worry about him anymore but he is still my lord after all. Without him, the Dragon army is nothing…He is our leader; he is the one who gives us strenght and courage to fight and go on…  
  
As for lady Nanami…well, when I saw her this morning she looked somehow smug, as if she had found some solution to a problem…  
  
Strange things are happening in this castle…  
  
  
  
February, 17th  
  
I was not prepared for that…  
  
I'm so stunned that I do not even know what to write or say… It seems so incredible.  
  
This morning, the young lord told us that he needed time to think and that he wanted to leave for a while. He also said that the whole situation could not go on, that the army could not go on if he were to remain in that state of mind.  
  
He wants to leave! I still cannot believe he said that…I must have dreamt or something…  
  
He should know that he is the strenght of our army!  
  
And he expects us to go on as if nothing?  
  
Without him?  
  
Then he is seriously insane, more than I thought at least!  
  
Cannot he take his responsibilities for once??!  
  
Noooo, of course not! He prefers running away! Hiding like a coward! He does not realise that the fate of a whole country lays on his shoulders!  
  
I think I had better stop writing now…before breaking my pen…I am in such a fury right now, that I cannot think clearly. I am going to see Huan, he may give me something to help me sleep…I have not slept a lot lately, with everything that has been going on…My hands are shaking and I know I am just shocked.  
  
Really I am going to see Huan…and then Shu…This freaking strategist will not get away without giving me a full and satisfying explanation. I WANT to know what is going on in this freaking damn castle. I cannot believe he had seconded the young lord's decision.  
  
I know I am just overreacting…I know that I just need some fresh air to clear my mind…I know that…But why do I hurt so much then?  
  
  
  
February, 17th (late at night)  
  
I feel so empty.  
  
I cried so much…so much it hurts…  
  
When will the pain stop?  
  
When?  
  
What do I have to do?  
  
He is going to leave me…He is going to leave me !…He doesn't care about me…not at all…  
  
Everyone…All the people I love and care for…They all end up leaving me…  
  
Am I so unworthy?  
  
Is it all my fault?  
  
Maybe I did something wrong…I do not know anymore…I am so confused…  
  
I fear that I may lose him…that he may push me away again…  
  
What is wrong with me? A few days ago, I convinced myself that I could forget my feelings for him, that I could leave all of this behind…And now…I want to cling to him, I want to prevent him from leaving me…  
  
I suppose I only overreact…I am such a weakling.  
  
And the young lord does not need a weakling, he needs someone strong he would be able to rely on. I would only make things worst for him actually.  
  
Sometimes I sincerely believe that he and I were never meant for each other from the start.  
  
I could have avoided all this pain if I had not started to think about him.  
  
Perhaps he is too young for me…I mean I am four years older than him after all…  
  
Perhaps we do not have anything in common…  
  
Perhaps I was imagining all these feelings not to feel so empty anymore…  
  
Perhaps…  
  
Perhaps I did not love him at all, well, not like a lover at least…more like a brother, a close friend…  
  
I thought that writing this down would help me to feel better after hours of restless turning and tossing in bed…  
  
But actually, I am even more confused and utterly depressed. I am afraid that tomorrow I will be in a very dark mood…Too bad for Shu and the rest of the stars…  
  
If I do not sleep right now it will even get worst. Good night.  
  
At least "you" do not have to worry about silly things of life. You do not know how lucky you are, dear diary.  
  
  
  
February, 19th  
  
In a week he will be gone…Just one week…  
  
What should I do?  
  
Do I dare talk to him?  
  
Do I dare argue his decision? Even if I know that nothing will possibly change his mind?  
  
He has always been stubborn, so damn stubborn. And it's so damn cute sometimes.  
  
Great now I'm contradicting myself. Just what I need right now.  
  
You know what?  
  
I will not do anything.  
  
All I need is to sort my feelings and thoughts out. I cannot talk to him now it would just confuse me more. Besides, what would I tell him?  
  
'Please don't leave me, I don't really know whether I love you or not'?  
  
'I think that I don't love you, but there's a part of me that isn't sure; so please could you stay?'  
  
Brilliant.  
  
He would probably end up staring at me, wondering if I have gone nuts.  
  
I guess I will just have to wait and see how things are going to evolve.  
  
  
  
February, 23rd  
  
I still cannot gather up enough courage to go and talk to him.  
  
Pathetic.  
  
I am just so pathetic.  
  
No wonder he despises me so much.  
  
I hate myself so much right now.  
  
  
  
February, 24th  
  
I had some time to think about all these events that suddenly changed my life…And I found something quite interesting…After hours and hours of frustration, anger, self-loathing, depression, utter desesperation, and suffering, I finally came to a conclusion.  
  
HE is the cause of all my problems.  
  
Maybe his leaving is not such a bad idea. At least it will give me some rest.  
  
I cannot bear being in the same room as he, now. I just feel so tensed whenever I am around him, and it is slowly getting on my nerves.  
  
My life is a real hell.  
  
But if he leaves, I will be free of all these feelings I hate so much.  
  
That is obvious. We are not meant to be, never have and never will. I have been so blind, and look at the results...I am a total wreck today.  
  
I cannot wait to see him leave.  
  
I hate him.  
  
Just one more day and I will be free.  
  
  
  
February, 24th (late at night)  
  
I do not understand why I feel so excited.  
  
I know I need to sleep...I could not get a wink of sleep for weeks because of him, after all...  
  
But I cannot rest.  
  
I just need to spend all my burning energy doing something but I have no idea what to do. Thoughts and emotions are rushing through my mind and I do not have any control over them. Besides I am too tired to sort them out or ponder over them.  
  
My mind is tired and overexcited... Hah. I cannot even manage to make sense anymore.  
  
'I love you'... 'I don't anymore'... 'I wish I were dead'... 'I wonder if he feels something for me'... 'I wish he talked to me before hios leaving'... 'I want him very far away from me'... 'I do not want to see his face ever again'... 'Was he worth all this suffering'... 'I just want to sleep'... 'I should think about something else'... 'When will I find happiness'... 'I am tired of being alone'... 'Why is life so unfair'...  
  
These are some of my random thoughts... They do not have a direct link between them and do not make a coherent unity.  
  
To think that I have been like this for weeks...Uncoherent, half-crazy, dark-spirited...  
  
It seems so unbelievable...  
  
Fortunately he is leaving soon...  
  
Tomorow I will be free.  
  
Tomorrow I will live again.  
  
I hate him.  
  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
  
Finally finished. This third part has been tough for me. I had a hard time trying to understand Klaus. He is so quiet usually. He would not tell me his secrets and his thoughts...But heh, I had a secret plan...I got him drunk and he told me everything I needed...  
  
Hum, sorry about that...I'm just trying to relax because this story became really darker than expected. I don't know what's going to happen next because I didn't make any plan for this story. I just write. I did not expect Klaus to end up like this honestly...I thought he would still love Lexeï despite the hardships and stuff...guess I was all wrong...  
  
Maybe I can simplify all the problems by killing everyone in the story? 


End file.
